Always Been There
by Ra4chel-the 4 is silent
Summary: "Nobody's naturally this sleezy. Something had to happen to make you like this." It was true. Something had happened to make me this way. As much as I tried to deny I was the result of a messed up life, it was true. JAMES CONROY! 1-shot more detail inside


**Hey guys. I know most of you are probably James Conroy haters, but I am one of the few people in this world who has a soft spot for him. I always like to think that even the jerkiest of jerks have a soft side (I.E. Chad) however, I wasn't sure just showing you a sweeter side of James would convince you he's not all bad. Afterall, it's hard to forgive someone like him. Instead, I decided to give an explanation for why he's the way he is and give you a little glimps of his past. So this is what this story's about. **

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Disclaimer: I do not own Sonny With a Chance, Sonny Munroe, Chad Dylan Cooper, or James Conroy. All original characters are mine though.

**Rated T for…  
-Violence  
-Blood and Gore  
-Mild Language  
-Self-harm**

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"I don't care if our ratings were through the roof the last time he guest starred!" Chad said to the director of Mackenzie Falls. "I don't want that jerk on my show."

"Chad…" Sonny began, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"No," Chad exclaimed, shaking her off. "I won't have James Conroy on my set. What if he tries to hit on you again?"

"He can try all he wants," Sonny answered. "It's not going to work." I smiled from my hiding spot in the shadows. That sounded like a challenge.

"Fine," Chad agreed reluctantly. "For the Falls. But Sonny, please stay away from him."

"I will," she assured him. Well, looks like it was time for my grand entrance.

"Hey guys," I greeted them, walking out into the open. "What's up?" Sonny gave me a dirty look and Chad turned around and walked away. What a drama queen.

"Sonny, you're looking beautiful, as always," I commented, winking at her. For a second she seemed to consider what I had said, but then she shook her head to clear it.

"Thanks," she said curtly. "But I have a boyfriend."

"So?" I said, taking a step towards her. "He doesn't have to know." I took her hand in mine and for a second, she looked like she was lost in my eyes. Then she snapped out of it.

"Get away from me you sleazy jerk," she exclaimed, pushing me back. "I told you I have a boyfriend. And even if I _were _to cheat on him, which I never would, you would be the last person I would consider." She stormed off and I groaned. Great, now what? I couldn't just move on and hit on some other girl, I'd already committed myself to winning over Sonny again, but this was going to be a hard one. Oh well, I do love a challenge. And James Conroy always gets what he wants, whether it's a new car, a part on a TV show, or a girl.

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"Hey, Sonshine," I greeted Sonny, sliding into an empty seat next to her at her usual table in the cafeteria. Chad and her castmates were nowhere in sight which was a huge bonus. I'd have some time to lay some groundwork without any interruptions.

"I thought I told you I wasn't interested," she said, stabbing her…ick…with her fork.

"That's what you _said_," I countered, sliding a little closer to her. "But it's not really what you _meant. _Come on, Sonny. You don't have to pretend. I know you want me."

"What is your problem?" Sonny exclaimed, standing up. Everyone in the cafeteria stared at us. "Why are you such a jerk? Did you get your heart broken or something? Because nobody could naturally be this sleazy. Something had to happen to make you like this." Wow. Nobody had ever looked past the jerk in me to the root cause of all this. It was true, something had happened to make me like this. A lot of somethings, actually. As much as I tried to deny that I was the result of a messed up life, it was true. It had all started when I was three years old…

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"Mommy!" I called, chasing after my mother as she hauled a suitcase down the path. "Mommy! Where are you going?"

"I'm going on a little trip," she answered.

"Can I come?" I asked.

"I'm just going to McDonald's," she told me. "I'll be back soon."

"Why do you have a suitcase, Mommy?"

"I'm taking it back to the store," she explained.

"Oh," I said. "Can I come to McDonalds too?"

"David doesn't have a car seat in his car," she told me, gesturing to the man in the driver's seat of the big red jeep she was loading her suitcase into.

"That's okay," I said. "I'm a big boy."

"Honey, it's against the law for you to ride without a car seat," she informed me. "I'll bring you back a chicken nugget happy meal, okay?"

"Okay," I agreed reluctantly. "Hurry back, Mommy."

"I will," she promised.

"I love you, Mommy." She hesitated.

"I love you too, Jimmy."

One hour passed, then two. I sat in the house alone, waiting for her to return, but she never did. Eventually, I heard the door open.

"Jimmy, Linda, I'm home!" My dad called.

"Mommy's not here," I told him, peeking my head around the corner.

"Where is she?" he asked, setting down his brief case and taking off his shoes.

"She went to McDonalds to get me chicken nuggets," I explained.

"Oh," he said. "So she'll be back soon then, I guess."

"She left a long time ago," I told him. "But Mommy and David had to go return the suitcase too so maybe that's taking a long time."

"David?" he repeated. I nodded. "Wait, suitcase." My dad kicked the wall angrily and knocked over a potted plant.

"I'm sure she'll be home soon," I assured him.

"Stupid kid," he said. "Don't you get it? She's not coming back. She left us."

"But Mommy said…" I began, tears forming behind my eyes.

"She lied to you!" he shouted, shoving me into the wall. He stormed up the stairs and I started sobbing. I clutched my hurt shoulder and tried to think about what I could have done to make Mommy want to leave and to make Daddy so angry.

* * *

"Daddy," I called. I'd been crying alone in the hall for hours and I'd decided that it was time for me to go apologize for whatever it was I'd done. There was no answer so I ventured further down the hall, hoping Daddy would accept my apology and not hurt me again.

"Daddy," I called again. I stopped at the bathroom door. It was closed and the light was on. I turned the knob slowly and peeked inside. What I saw nearly stopped my heart. Blood was everywhere. Even the water in the bathtub was bright red. My dad lay motionless in the tub, his wrists dripping with blood. I screamed and ran out of the room towards his bedroom. That's where the nearest phone was. With shaking fingers, I dialed 911. A woman answered.

"What's your emergency?" she asked.

"My daddy's hurt," I explained. "He needs to go to the hospital."

"Can you describe the injury for me?" she asked.

"His wrists are bleeding," I sobbed hysterically. "There's blood all over the bathroom. She asked me some more questions and I answered them. I checked if he was still breathing and he was.

"Please stay on the line until an ambulance arrives," she instructed me. I waited for the ambulance by my father's side. When they arrived, I called to them that I was upstairs and they brought my father down the stairs on a gurney after stopping the bleeding. They allowed me to ride in the back with my dad and when we got to the hospital, they called my Aunt Tanya who explained to me that she was going to take care of me until my father got better. I wanted to stay at the hospital with my father, but she took me to her house in Anaheim instead.

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I ducked my head under the scratchy wool blankets and tried to drown out the hysterical sobs coming from the other room. Ever since Aunt Tanya's boyfriend, Ralph, had broken up with her four days ago, she'd been crying herself to sleep every night.

Unable to sleep, I rolled off the futon I'd been sleeping on since my father's attempted suicide three months ago. I put on my slippers and padded down the hall to my Aunt's room.

"Auntie Tanya," I said, peeking my head in the doorway.

"Oh," she said, wiping her tears away. "Hey, Jimmy."

"Are you okay?" I asked. Aunt Tanya shook her head and started crying again.

"Oh, Jimmy, I miss him so much," she exclaimed. I jumped up onto her bed and held her until she fell asleep. It was strange to have to comfort someone so much older than me, but soon if became a regular thing. Every time I heard Aunt Tanya crying from the other room, I'd put on my slippers and go hug her until she fell asleep. I never really understood why she was so upset all the time, but I knew I never wanted to feel like that.

Aunt Tanya never got over Ralph, at least not while I was staying there. When I was four, I moved back into my father's house. He seemed different than I'd remembered him, but he was still my dad and I loved him, so I agreed to go back home.

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"James," my dad called up the stairs. I sighed and rolled my eyes. I hated being called by my real name. James was so formal. My friends called me Jimmy. My dad calling me James was sort of symbolic of the barrier that had formed between us. I wasn't sure if it was something I'd done to make him upset or if we just weren't as close as we were because I'd been gone for so long, but our relationship just wasn't the same.

"Yes, Daddy," I called, peering over the railing.

"I'm going to Vegas for a couple of nights," he explained. "Alice is here so if you need anything, ask her." He put his arm around a blonde girl in her early twenties and escorted her out the door. He was always bringing pretty girls home and taking them on expensive trips. Sometimes I'd meet one of these girls and she'd act like she was my future stepmother, but I never saw the same girl twice. My father never committed to anyone. He said it was better that way.

I waved goodbye and then trudged into Alice's room. Alice was the Nanny my dad had hired when I moved back in with him. He had gotten a promotion and spent most of his time at work, so I almost never saw him. Alice and I were on pretty good terms though. She cleaned my room for me and let me stay up late, but it wasn't the same as spending time with my father. He showered me with expensive gifts and never said no to any of my requests, but it wasn't enough. I needed a parent.

"Daddy's gone," I told Alice. "Will you play with me?"

"What do you want to play?" Alice asked, smiling at me.

"Go fish," I answered. Alice nodded and we went to go play. Sure, I always had something to do with Alice around, but sometimes I felt like she didn't really _want_ to play with me. She didn't really have a choice after all.

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I was 8 when I decided I wanted to be an actor. My father wasn't overly supportive, but it was what I wanted so of course he said yes. I think the only advice he ever gave me was on the day of my first audition.

"Show business is competitive, James," he told me. Almost nobody called me Jimmy anymore. I didn't let them. "If this is what you really want, you're going to have to fight for it. Don't take no for an answer and don't let anyone stand in your way." Being the only advice he ever gave me, these words stuck in my head like glue. It became my own personal motto –'If you want something, don't take no for an answer and don't let anyone stand in your way'. I went to the audition that day, determined to make my father proud.

Alice drove me to where the audition was being held. It was for a role in a toy store commercial and there were several other little boys there with the same dream as me, but I don't think any of them were as determined as me. They're parents would love them no matter what. I _needed_ this role to make my father love me.

Me and four other boys got callbacks. I knew I was the best, but I was still afraid of losing. My father could never love a loser. He'd be so disappointed in me. So I did what I had to do. I 'befriended' the other boys and sabotaged them. I gave Tim a haircut, told Kyle the date of the callback had been changed, psyched Michael out by telling him redheads were 90% more likely to choke at a callback, and tripping Aiden so he'd sprain his wrist. I was the only one who showed up for the callback and I got the part.

"Dad!" I called, running into the kitchen to tell him the good news. Now he would finally be proud of me. He would finally love me. Instead of my father, all I saw was a piece of green paper.

'James,' it read. 'Went to New Zealand. Back in 6 weeks. –Dad.' He had gone to New Zealand? He hadn't even stuck around to see if I'd gotten the part? I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I tried not to cry. Alice tried to comfort me, but I pushed her away and ran up to my room. I didn't even care about my dad anymore. I didn't even want to make him proud. He could die in a hole for all I cared. I hated him.

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"This is way too risky, James," my best friend Liam said as I looked around the electronics apartment of Wal-Mart for an employee. I was 10 now and planning my first big heist. "Why don't you just ask your dad to buy you an MP3 player? It's not like he won't get it for you."

"I don't need my dad to get me what I want," I said. "I'm perfectly capable of getting it myself. Just stick to the plan and we'll be fine." I spotted an employee and Liam took his place by a shelf of VHS's.

"Excuse me," I said. "Can I see that MP3 player please?"

"Sure," the employee answered, taking out the shiny red MP3 player I had my eye on and handing it to me. Right on cue, Liam knocked over the videos.

"One second," the guy who had unwillingly helped me with my heist said. He went to go see what the commotion was and as soon as he was gone, I slipped away. I hid in the bathroom, hoping Liam was still keeping the employee busy, and ripped off the packaging, shoving it into the toilet and closing the lid. I shoved the MP3 player in my pocket and headed for the front door. Liam met me in the park a couple minutes later like we had agreed to.

"I got it!" I exclaimed excitedly. "Told you it would work!"

"Won't your dad be mad though?" Liam asked, still not sure about this whole stealing thing.

"Hey, I'm just following his advice," I answered. "If you want something, don't take no for an answer and don't let anybody stand in your way."

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I was 12 years old when I got my first real crush. Sure, I'd liked girls before, but I'd never really wanted a relationship before, I'd just wanted them to chase me around, stealing my hat. Shelby was different. She was beautiful, cool, funny, a little cocky maybe, but hey, it just meant one more thing we had in common. I was so nervous when I asked her to the dance, I thought I was going to die.

"Do you…uh…wanna…umm…" I stammered. Shelby gave me a weird look and Liam, who was standing beside me, nudged me in the back. "Doyouwannagotothedancewithme?" Shelby giggled, looked at her two friends and then shook her head.

"Sorry, James," she said. "I'm not going." I would have been humiliated, but I knew Shelby. She was just playing hard to get. Besides, I wanted her and I always got everything I wanted. Two days later, I tried again.

"Shelby, you and I both know you like me," I said, sliding into the empty seat next to her in the cafeteria. "So what do you say? You, me, Friday night?" Shelby rolled her eyes, but agreed to go with me anyway.

The dance was amazing. Shelby was a great dancer and, to my surprise, so was I. After a couple of hours of mindless pop music, the DJ put on a slow song and I put my arms around Shelby and we started swaying back and forth. That night, I got my first kiss. For a moment, I was the happiest guy in the world.

I didn't start thinking clearly again until her mom dropped me off at home. That's when I realized why I was so happy when I was with Shelby. I was in love. You'd think I'd be excited about this since love seems to be what everyone's looking for, but I was devastated. I thought back to my Aunt Tanya's breakup with Ralph and the day my mom had left. Aunt Tanya's broken heart had made her depressed and my dad had been so upset, he'd tried to kill himself. There was only one way to prevent something like this from happening to me. I couldn't be with Shelby anymore.

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"But I thought you liked me," Shelby said. I had just told her about my decision to break up with her and she wasn't taking it to well.

"I just needed someone to go to the dance with, okay?" I lied.

"But you kissed me," she reminded me.

"That was….to make somebody else jealous," I told her, thinking up a quick excuse.

"Who?" I looked around the classroom.

"Cassidy," I lied, spotting Cassidy Daniels, a popular cheerleader, who was sitting in the back row.

"Fine," Shelby said, convinced that I really didn't like her. "I hope you guys are happy together." Shelby walked over to her desk and sat down. It hurt to let her go like this, but it would hurt even more if I dated her and she broke up with me.

After that, I settled for dating girls I didn't like that much, starting with Cassidy. Unfortunately, after a couple of dates, I realized she was almost as amazing as Shelby and I was starting to fall for her which resulted in another quick breakup. It became a pattern after awhile; date a girl I don't like, fall for her, dump her, date another girl I don't like, and so on. Eventually, it just sort of became a habit. When I saw a pretty girl, I went for her, whether I liked her or not. And then I dumped her as soon as I had her and moved onto another pretty girl. It was almost like a game to me. And the more challenging it was to get her to fall for me, the better.

Most girls just look at me and they see a jerk. Most guys look at me and see the most badass guy they know. But in reality, that's not who I am. That's what my messed up life made me.

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I came out of my flashback and was suddenly back in the cafeteria with Sonny.

"Well?" she said. "Are you going to answer me?"

"Huh?" I said.

"What happened to make you this way?" she repeated.

"Nothing," I said defensively. "You know what? Screw this. You aren't worth it." I got up from my chair and headed to the dressing room reserved for Mackenzie Falls guest stars. I slammed the door shut and locked it. Then I did something I hadn't done in a long time. I sat down and cried. I cried over all the girls I'd hurt, I cried over how I'd lost my first love, Shelby, I cried over how I'd been such a bad influence on Liam, I cried over how I'd been so mean to those other boys by sabotaging them, I cried over how my father had never been a father to me, and most of all, I cried over my mother who had started it all by leaving me and my father. I rummaged around in the backpack I'd filled with my belonging and pulled out a razor. Without hesitation, I brought it down on my wrist. I needed something to distract me from the pain. Seeing the blood just reminded me of my father though. I had never been able to unsee the image of him lying lifeless in the bathtub, covered in blood. I picked up a T-shirt lying on the floor and used it to stop the bleeding. The cut wasn't too deep so it stopped pretty quickly. I iced my wrist to numb the pain, but the emotional pain was still there. It had always been there, I'd just been denying it all these years.

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**I hope that after reading this, you'll have a bit of a soft spot for James too. Even though Disney Channel doesn't give a reason for James being the way he is, I like to believe that there is one. I hope you liked this one-shot. It's not really like most of the stuff I've written, but then again, I write a bunch of differant kinds of stories (which, if you haven't already, you should totally check out. Just go to my profile!)**

****Please review and let me know what you think. It would mean a lot to me. Also, if you liked this, favourite and/or subscibe to it and/or me. :) Peace out suckahs!

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Visit me online. http:/www(.)ra4chel(.)piczo(.)com/


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